So, that turned out to be a 3-year hiatus.
So, I guess I’ll write another blog post on this old site.
A lot has happened since that last post- I was gearing up to get married to a woman that I got divorced from 8 months later, I was beginning to study computer programming, having no idea that I would co-found and sell a tech startup within the next 2 years, or that I would move into a downtown loft and spend the better part of a year smoking weed and traveling and falling in love with a woman who makes me smile every time I see her, and whose beauty and brilliance still surprise me.
It has been a great 3 years.
Now, I am back to suffering, sort of. Not that my life isn’t awesome- it is- but, sadly, suffering seems to be a part of the human experience from which even great fortune and circumstances cannot shelter us.
So, I’ve been feeling lame lately. Like there’s nothing that I’m actually good at.
The last project I mentioned on this blog – learning to program – I am now very well on my way to achieving, although the road is long and the waters are deep. And I probably could have benefitted from more direction than I had; but whatever. I can now make websites using modern frameworks like Bootstrap and Knockout.js, and write workable code with node.js, am comfortable in linux and git and proficient at Vim. I understand most of the technical things that I read; if I have a problem I usually know where to go to find the solution.
But it’s not enough.
It never is.
I want to write more flawless programs, ones that don’t make me suffer or wait for their completion. Or maybe it would be better to say – I want to feel competent while I’m writing these hacked-together piece-of-shit programs. Because that’s what they are. And what they will remain, until years go by.
I want my effort to spare me from suffering, already. Haven’t I been doing it long enough now?
What is this thing inside of me (and I presume _us_) that keeps forgetting that suffering is an inevitable fact of being human? Because it’s the same fucking part that causes all the goddamn suffering. It needs to be held accountable for its actions.
The desire to not suffer adds to our suffering, gives it fuel.
For what is suffering but precisely wanting something that we don’t have?
Does anybody actually read this blog? Would you please identify yourself in the comments? Thanks.